Oprah, Christie, Zuckerman: "Astrology Will Save Our Schools!"

Dateline - Chicago: 

On Friday, Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook will appear on Oprah Winfrey's show, along with NJ Governor Chris Christie and Newark Mayor Cory Booker, to announce a program to build a new charter school system in Newark based on the principles of astrology.

Students will be assigned to one of twelve new schools according to their zodiac signs. Zuckerberg will donate $100 million to help facilitate the design of the schools; vouchers will ensure that state funds are used to implement the exciting new curriculum design.

"It just makes sense," said Christie. "Our schools have been failing our kids for years. We need to give the parents more choice. And studies have shown that astrology has roughly the same influence on student learning as putting the kids in charter schools, which we all know are the bestest things ever."

Winfrey was even more glowing in her praise: "This is the first time that a billionaire CEO, a billionaire TV host, a multi-millionaire governor, and a Twitter-addicted mayor have ever come together to solve such a big problem. It was clear nothing would ever be done about this if the people who actually study this stuff and teach our kids didn't finally get out of the way."

"We all love charters," agreed Booker. "Listen, we're politicians, celebrities, and CEOs. We all made our fortunes on charisma. Schools should be run the same way. If only every school had a telegenic principal, we wouldn't be hearing all of this bad news about schools, because personal magnetism would cancel out logical thinking and research. We just need to get happy-talking educators in our schools and continue to make movies about them."

Zuckerman agrees that charters continue to be the future of education: "The CEOs I yacht with all agree: you can just smell the money! We want to get in on the ground floor so we have a chance to become the Haliburton of education."

If six of the 12 schools do better than the average school, the program will be declared a smashing success, paving the way for expansion. Future charters could be based on Scientology, multi-level marketing (with Amway as a corporate sponsor), or creationism.

"Anything is possible," adds Christie, "as long as the teachers don't collectively bargain, request health insurance, or expect to have a retirement. 'Cause I love them!"

No teachers, union officials, or education researchers were interviewed for this story, 'cause they're not rich or famous, so what's the point?